


In Another Life

by Zebooboo



Series: VoG Boys Week 2020 [7]
Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: Grief for something you never had, Hope for something you cannot have, Love Letters, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-23 04:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23838898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zebooboo/pseuds/Zebooboo
Summary: Dear 'I don't know what to call you',I miss you.For VoG Week 2020.
Relationships: Kabr/Pahanin/Praedyth (Destiny)
Series: VoG Boys Week 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1709875
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12
Collections: Works about the Vault of Glass Fireteam





	In Another Life

**Author's Note:**

> And so it ends.
> 
> Thank you everyone who tooke the time to read, kudo or leave a comment! I swear I read everything and I'm just too choked up to answer just yet <3
> 
> Enjoy the little end of the VoG week.
> 
> Pahanin, Praedyth and Kabr will becoming back with me later, but for now...here we go.

_ Dear  _ **_'I don't know what to call you'_ ** _ ,  _

_ I miss you.  _

_ And I guess that's where it all starts. How can you miss people you've never met? Never held? Never kissed? Never got to love like a date to the pastry shop around the corner, or stranded on the great deltas, chasing after Fallen with nobody else to rely on.  _

_ Only ever like a phenomenon, deep rooted like the fear an animal has of an earthquake, the wonder humanity has of the stars.  _

_ I was afraid of it. Couldn't wrap my head around it. Still can't wrap my head around it. It's so foreign and invasive and soul-wrenching.  _

_ So for the longest time, I'd really hoped you weren't real. That maybe I was lonely, or craving some company or some excitement or…anything, really. That you were only a hazy but vivid dream that I kept seeing out of the corner of my eye because I was paranoid, or worse, still dreaming.  _

_ But it never went away, the feeling, down to the center of my being. There's something missing. And it's you. Both of you. Because of course I never make it easier for myself, of course you are two people.  _

_ And I tried to fill that gaping, bleeding hole for the longest time and I couldn't. In every way I could think of, I tried filling it up. I dated people, multiple people, sometimes at once. I fucked, I got fucked, some even tried to make love to me because what they felt was more real than my entire existence.  _

_ I drank and I got drugged up and coming down from the highs was always the worst part. Because I could always seem to find you, or some parts of you, in the recesses of my mind. _

_ Or maybe there's nothing of you left in me and I made it all up. When I woke up the feeling of loss was always sharper. Cracked and broken to even sharper and finer edges every time that I can cut myself down on.  _

_ I went on missions nobody would take. Usually alone, constantly thinking in the back of my head,  _ **_'This is the time. I'm gonna die and it will be for good and I will be free. Reunited or just dead and gone to sleep, it matters little.'_ ** _ But I always came back, and I curse myself for it.  _

_ Bar wishing on bleached bones and dead voices, I tried everything.  _

_ I think I even managed to almost fall in love again, once. There's no forgiving myself for that one.  _

_ I hurt people trying. And I hate myself for it. And I regret it like nothing else in this life. More than forgetting you, losing you.  _

_ …  _

_ I'm sorry.  _

_ That's not true.  _

_ Not being there with you is my biggest regret.  _

_ And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get to you. The desperation eats me alive, even as the love keeps my fire burning.  _

_ But I'm so tired. Like a bow string worn thin and brittle with use and pulled taut until just before snapping. And yet, I want to keep going. To keep on searching because living without you isn't really a life at all.  _

_ I want to hold you in my arms, wrap myself around you like the night sky around the stars, like the sea embraces everything in it.  _

_ I… _

_ There's no words to describe what I'm feeling. Not quantity, not even quality. I don't think my feelings and hopes are quantifiable. Not by anything as meaningless as human words and concepts.  _

_ And while I write this to you, I still don't know what to say. I don't even know where I'm going with this.  _

_ I guess, I wanted to say 'I love you' too, not just 'I miss you'. I still love you. And I will still love you, even if I don't know the shape of your faces or the sounds of your voices or the feel of your hands in mine.  _

_ Until I die.  _

_ Until I die and whatever makes me Pahanin disappears, I will love you and cherish you and miss you.  _

_ I hope that we meet again. I hope I get to know you again. I hope I get to love you again.  _

_ I hope that we get to have that. In another life, in another place, in another time. I hope I find you. I hope I will still be Pahanin enough to love you.  _

_ Because hope is all I have left. _

_ With all my heart, _

_ Pahanin _

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you Gil, so damned much for organising this little event, giving me an excuse to shout about these boys <3


End file.
